Friday, November 13, 2009

A Long Time Since Last Post

After more than a week of "slow boat to China" traveling, I'm now settled in a very pleasant County campground in Bythe, California. Two months of body and mind-numbing work at in Coffeyville, Kansas took its toll, and it was mentally and physically necessary to get the heck out of Dodge. Although I have nothing but admiration for those who work there year-round, I have no idea how they do it.

As I crossed time zones, the stress and pain in my mind and body slowly disappeared. The past year in Kansas and Oklahoma has been an interesting experience, but not one I'm anxious to repeat. Guess I'm just too much a West Coast person

Highest on my agenda was seeing an old friend again, reconnecting with him, letting him know how sorry and wrong I was to have left. As happens more and more lately, though, that is no longer possible. Two hundred miles from here, in Mesa, Arizona, I received an email letting me know that he is now seeing someone else and hoping I understand. Of course I understand. I was the one who left. But, understanding just doesn't equate with feeling totally bereft and lonely. I feel like I've lost my best friend, as I have. Yes, I have many other good friends. But they're recent and we have no long-term history.

When I fall, I fall hard, perhaps too hard. I am devastated and feel a horrible lack of closure. It will pass, as things do. Ten years is a long time and I feel like part of me is gone. The tears show up at will; perhaps that's a good thing. As a chaplain, I used to counsel people to go through their grief, experience it. A good friend told me the same thing last night when I called him for support. Somehow it's different when it's personal.

I'll live. We all do. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt all the same. Losing love is so darned hard sometimes. This morning I wrote to a friend who recently lost her long-time friend; he died suddenly in his sleep. I wrote that I hoped I'd been supportive enough to her and would always be there for her if needed. Now I have an idea of what she was feeling.


StillRolling said...

So sorry to hear you "lost" your friend. He's not really lost though, your relationship has changed, but as long as you're both alive you aren't lost.
Maybe you needed to be "free" from him and he from you for a bit so you both can appreciate what you had. Maybe the real "one" has been waiting until your heart was free to see him.
It's good to cry, but don't isolate yourselve. Get outside and enjoy life !!
Take care of yourself.

spiritualastronomer said...

Wonderful words - thank you very much. I appreciate the thoughts and care.